In May 2012, I discovered my periods were missing and my boobs were sore and I had a to go pee a lot. Hearing that those are some of the early symptoms of pregnancy made me both anxious and excited. I took a pregnancy test and on June 2nd, which happens to be Hubs' birthday, we found out that a little Owens was growing. We had discussed having children, and we had kinda decided that whatever happens happens. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we also weren't trying not to. The idea of being a Mom has always scared and intrigued me. Scared that I would fail at something most women are programmed to do. Intrigued that this little life was in my hands, in my body, and the pull to love it more than anything in life.
After a doctor's appointment to verify that I was indeed in the family way, we told our parents and closest friends, all were very excited. I was about 6 weeks prego when we went to the doctor the first time. They did a ultrasound and could see the little speck inside. Being only 6 weeks, they told us that we wouldnt be able to hear a heartbeat until closer to 8 weeks. Family and friends began pouring their love and support out to us. Momma Mickie sent the Hubs and I books to prepare us. I read "What to Expect When You're Expecting" cover to cover within a week. I took my prenatals like clock work and ate healthier and even took a leave of absence from FishHell because the smell of raw oysters made me sick. Oh yeah, the morning sickness. I didnt think that I was far enough along in my pregnancy to be sick every morning... but just like clockwork, I was throwing up every morning. The doctors didnt seem to be too worried about it so they prescribed me that medicine that helps with nausea. It didnt help.... at all.
Our Speck :)
Our 8 week appointment comes. They put me up on the table to do the ultrasound. Hubs went with me for all of the appointments so he was there too. We see our Little Speck on the screen, but when she goes to check for a heartbeat, there is none. We dont hear anything. I kind of knew at that moment that the pregnancy was no longer viable. The doctors of course did another blood test to check hcG levels which came back positive and said that I was indeed pregnant. So we made another appointment to come back at 10 weeks. I broke down in the doctors office. I had that intuition and I knew that my Speck had stopped growing. As soon as I didnt hear the heartbeat, tears escaped and flowed like a river through a broken dam. Our next appointment would confirm what I knew at the last one. There was still no heartbeat. Blood tests then confirmed that I was no longer pregnant. However this little thing was still inside of me. That freaked me out a little, but the doctors assured me it would come out when it was ready. We set up our DNC appointment for July 11, 2012.On July 10, 2012, I had a miscarriage. The pain I experienced was the worst pain I had ever known. Period cramps had nothing on this. I sat there on the toilet, and felt the exact moment my little speck took its leave. I cried and screamed. I couldnt breathe. The look on Hubs' face as he carried me to our bed and laid me down was just... painful. I felt as if I had let him down. His parents came in to pray over us. I pretended I was sleeping or just too tired to acknowledge them. I didnt want to be around anyone, not even Hubs. I couldnt talk about it. I didnt want to. Not to my Mom, my Dad, no one. I just kept everything I was feeling to myself. The hurt, disappointment, anger, sadness, despair, and even in the littlest, most twisted way... I was relieved. That was the kicker. What got me the most. How the hell could I feel relieved after what had just happened. But I did. Maybe it was because I knew deep down that I wasnt ready for my little speck. Hubs and I werent ready to be parents and God knew that and decided our Speck would be better served up there in heaven with Him.
The next day, we went up to the hospital to have the DNC procedure done. I informed the doctor that I had the miscarriage the night before. He said they'd go ahead and do it to make sure everything came out. Hubs told me after the procedure that the doctor told him there wasn't very much left. I woke up from the procedure feeling sore and wanting nothing more than my husband. Hospitals give me the heebie-jeebies anyhow, but being there for that reason, just freaked me out a little more.
I've always known what I would name my children. Or at least I had an idea of what I would name them. When we found out we were pregnant I automatically started thinking of what name our little speck would bear, because we couldn't call it Speck forever. Since we lost the pregnancy so early there is no way to tell what sex our little speck was, but I feel like I was carrying a daughter. That is something I've never expressed to anyone. I'm pretty sure our speck would have been a girl. And her name... would have been... Meagan Olivia. I think if I have a daughter in the future, I would still use this name. And she would know what a huge impact the name has on her Mommy. Meagan would have been born sometime in early February had I carried her to term. So, on February 2nd, the presumed due date, I went to my sister-in-law's house and held onto my baby nephew. He was born in December. We had found out they were expecting about a month before we found out we were. Meagan would have been 2 months younger than her cousin.
This here is the best Christmas present Garry (my brother in law) ever got... and mine too.. this is me and my nephew Daniel last Christmas
Things like this make me sad to think about. I've dreamed about what her life would have been like had I not miscarried her. I only think of it sometimes because I don't want to be sad all the time. I know the miscarriages are more common than most people think, and my case is nothing special. However, this experience made me grow and is special to me. It was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced, both physically and emotionally. I look up at the stars some nights and think of my Mema and Pepa holding little Meagan as they watch down on me. I imagine they take her to her namesake's (my best friend Meagan whom was killed in a car accident in 2007) cloud and she coos and giggles as they play peek-a-boo. God needed my Meagan in Heaven. I don't know why of course. I can only hope it was to teach me a lesson of some kind, which is normally the case in most trials He hands down. As happy as I would have been to have her here with me and Hubs, I'm just as happy to know that she is there, in the sky, watching us and loving us anyways. She is my Angel Baby, and is always close to my heart.
Thank you for reading guys. My wisdom for this post.... LOVE EVERY SECOND <3
